*it started snowing last night and it doesn't stop*
*the streets are turning white again*
*a very entertaining book: light and funny*
I've been feeling very weird recently and I finally decided to address it here. I don't feel like myself and I'm not even sure what myself is anymore. There were so many changes in my life in last 6 months and it seemed like I was going through just fine.. till now. I blame it on the end of winter, I finally exhausted my energy and motivation to keep myself up and running all the time. It's like I'm questioning everything now trying to see whether I'm sincere or not. And I can't find the answers.
For example, with the blog. Ben and I started it back in 2011 when we finally got together after doing a year of long-distance relationship. We both loved photography and wanted to document all the little moments of spending time with each other. It was all fun and exciting, Ben's parents were happy about it, too, because they got to see all the photos and read about us more often. Last year when we made our grand move across the continents I was mostly blogging for my parents. I was trying to take a camera with me everywhere and show my family how and what I was doing here. Right after I clicked "Publish" I would immediately email the link to my parents and brother. We used to Skype a lot, too. It really helped me not to feel too homesick and lonely. I also got to know more and more fellow bloggers online, read their stories and see how the blogging community develops. Of course my blog and I started absorbing ideas and "rules" from the new-to-me world. And it was a fun and interesting adventure.
But recently I've started feeling more and more down about everything I do and about myself. Now I'm not sure where it is me and where it's some ideas from outside. It's pretty hard for me recently to be as excited as before about blogging. I still like it a lot, and I'll never stop taking photos (I fell in love with photography loooong before I started posting anything here), but I want to figure out how to find my voice again. I want this blog to be what it was meant to be at first: a place to share our creativity and document all the moments we spend together. This is why I feel bad when I catch myself planning to go to some specific place wearing a specific outfit to take photos for the post. I feel insincere when I do it... Maybe I'm wrong but I'm having a mental battle with myself about it right now. I like dressing up and I like taking photos but when I do it I want to be doing it because I like it, not because I am planning a blog post, you know? And it's not just about the outfits, it's about everything. I question every single thing I do right now, trying to figure out what comes first when I consider doing something: blog or life. I want my blog be about my life, not my life developing around the blog. I hope I didn't bore you too much, but I feel like this is a big part of me right now and I had to share it here.