Wednesday thought wanderings

I was drinking hot white mocha on this cool May evening (but even late-hour caffeine fails to keep my eyes open after the sun goes down - is the night owl in me getting old or what?!) and I started typing a long, sad post about how tired I was, how sometimes it's hard to live in a small town in Idaho, how so many things start to annoy me these days, how it's rainy and my throat is scratchy, how I am 25 and it's very scary, how it's hard to figure out what important things I should do and achieve and how I'm worried that I won't be able to, how I feel like I'm wasting time from day to day, and most of all how much I miss my family and Moscow life...

But then I realized that if I think only about all the sad things and focus on them, then no one will be able to help me get out of this mindset, and I deleted the post. Ben and I went for a walk, we gazed at all the blooming chestnut trees in our neighborhood, talked about how we fell in love with our street long before we found a house here, how we're going to see many of our friends in a few weeks, how it's already spring and the air smells so good after the rain, how everything grows so fast and I already have baby kale, green onions and blooming peas in my garden.

And it gave me strength to admit that feeling bitter won't get me anywhere - at least not to where I want to be. Ben says I pressure myself too much with the future and I need to step back, take a break and refocus. With the future in mind I need to let the good little moments and things in the present lead me through the days. Everything passes, it would be silly to just let all the good things go unnoticed.